Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
