Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize