I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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