I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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