His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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