I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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