don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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