Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
