I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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