The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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