Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You are the jesus of drinking
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