Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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