is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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