the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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