I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
