I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
