I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
