i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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