Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
