don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
