shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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