So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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