matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
