Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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