my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
