I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
