I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
