I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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