Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
