just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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