tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
