I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
BRING THE BAGELS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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