Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
