Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
