you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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