Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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