i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
