I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
