No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
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It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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