did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
