if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
