There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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