He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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