I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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