why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
