I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
