I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize