i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize