No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
