New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
