The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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