Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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