my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
