waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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