i just wanna soil my oats bro
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
