My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dignity is for republicans.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
