My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
